Our 1st Miscarriage

The Story of our 1st miscarriage with Baby Nutter

I am ready to share my story about having a miscarriage. They say there is healing in sharing. 

What is every little girls dream? To grow up one day, get married, and have a baby. The day came when I got married, I couldn't wait to start a family! With much prayer Scott and I thought we were ready to start a family. We had been trying for awhile and it didn't even seem hopeful. Every-time that time of the month came around I would be sad that it didn't happen, time and time again. After what seemed like forever, I gave up on that dream of being a mom. 

~The day we found out our happy news~

      I remember the day that we found out we were expecting. It was in the very beginning of December. I had finally talked my husband into letting me buy a test. He did not want me to be disappointed again. I was so nervous to even take the test even thought I was certain this time! I had waited long enough and the time had come. After taking the test, I couldn't believe what I saw. It was a definite positive! I was going to be a mommy!  I was so excited and scared at the same time. Scott was in the other room working on something on his computer. So, I thought it would be fun to send him a picture on my phone of the positive test. My husband said he was in denial and as time went on  it would become real. 

December 10th

     I didn't have any bad symptoms right away. I always heard people talk about morning sickness and I was thankful to not have that right away.  I immediately started thanking God for this precious gift. Wow, God saw fit to bless me with a baby! I was overwhelmed. I found some apps on my phone so that I could follow the babies progress week by week. What a fun thing that was to follow. I did however, have some nauseoness but not actual sickness. So, I was thankful for Christmas break, all three weeks of it!! When some of the symptoms started ,I was able to be home. I had a lot of nauseousness but I didn't have any actual morning sickness until week 9. 

~Sharing with immediate family~

     My husband Scott couldn't wait to tell his family. We had not really told anyone, except a few very close friends. So, he asked me if we could share with his parents. So, on Christmas Day we shared with his family that evening. We told them it wasn't public information but wanted them to know and to pray with us. We shared with them over Skype.  After his mom, dad, sister, and brother were seated, Scott started. He told them we had something for them. Previously that day, I had bought two Hershey bars. I colored in the letters he on one with blue and she in pink on the other one. Scott held up the blue one in front of camera and said he or she and then I held up the pink one. They were a little confused at first. Scott recorded the whole thing, it was funny to watch. His mom screamed and they were all pretty excited. 

~Christmas break over and back to school~

     After Christmas break I headed back to school. I had shared my news with my teaching partner and  a few other teachers. I continued to pray for this little life growing inside of me. Every Thursday my class had Rosetta Stone and library time. I had confided in the teacher in there and every Thursday I updated her on how many weeks I was.  Over Christmas break I had set up my 12 week appointment. I told the class at school that Mrs. Nutter had a surprise to share with them on February 6th. I had never missed a day before so I told my students that they would have a sub on that Thursday-5th. I let them know that I would tell them the surprise and why I was gone the next Friday. 

            I remember the first morning that I experienced being sick. I was nine weeks along. That was not fun!  I got sick a couple of times each week after that. I always took my vitamins with my breakfast each morning. I was part of a great mom`s group and they recommend a lot of things. I tried eating a few crackers before getting up out of bed, sucking on a peppermint stick and drinking ginger honey lemon tea. I was thankful for these suggestions. I even remember one time mentally trying to convince myself that I wasn't going to get sick...it didn't work! haha

~Creative way to share~

       Scott and I wanted to find a creative way to share our news with everyone. We decided to make some t-shirts that would read: New Mommy and New Daddy. I was sharing my plan with a sweet friend and she said she had a machine that would print the words off and then I just had to iron them on. I got permission from the principal to wear that shirt the day after the appointment. Also, our s.s. class was having a couples party that Friday night and we were planning on wearing them to that and revealing it to our church family that way. 

    

~The day before the Dr. appointment~ 

     I was beyond excited and I could not wait! I spent the day teaching my precious 2nd grade class and preparing for my sub. I have taught for 6 years now and I have NEVER had a sub before. The students had known for a while that I would not be there at school on the 5th. They did not know why but I had told them I would tell them on Friday and that I had a surprise for them.I was planning on wearing my new shirt to school-it said NEW MOMMY. That was going to be the kid's surprise on Friday...and cupcakes to celebrate of course! 

~The appointment~ 

    The morning of the appointment I slept in and hoped I would not be sick (I had been sick 2 times that week). I slept in, ate breakfast, and had my vitamins and all was well. I got ready and the whole time I wondered what it would be like to hear my baby's heartbeat! Wow, what an amazing thing! I could not wait and I had been told that it was the best thing ever! I could not believe that my 12 week appointment had finally arrived! We went in at 12:30, I was so sad to hear that I would have to get my blood drawn-I can't handle that! I was thankful my hubby was with me. 

       As I lay on the table, my Dr.  was getting  ready to find the heartbeat. When she didn't find it right away she said, "don't worry, that happens often." I was worried. I didn`t say anything, just prayed and held Scott`s hand. As she started talking to the baby and trying to find it, my heart began to break. I had all I could do to stop from allowing the tears to fall. As she continued to look, she found one. Sadly, it was mine and not the babies. She said everything was the right size and that there should be a heartbeat. God blessed us with an amazing doctor. She then ordered another ultrasound. As she talked to us about what could possibly be happening I was not listening at all. I could hear her but I wasn't there, I was thinking of her words and what she had said about not hearing the heartbeat. My heart was breaking and I had no words. 

        As soon as she left and sent me to have more tests done and blood work drawn I started to cry. I was so glad my husband was there with me. After the blood work, I had to go get my last ultrasound and this was number three. It was so long, and it lasted forever. She didn't say anything to me as I was being poked at. My dr. talked with us one last time before we had to leave for the day. As she explained everything I was confused and didn't understand.  She said since it was a Thursday the lab results wouldn't be ready until Monday. She said she would call us on Monday. She said to go home and if I started bleeding to call her. We were informed that we had a miscarriage and she would wait for the results. We left the Dr's office at almost six, we were there for five and a half hours,  That was the longest and hardest day of my life. My heart was breaking. Because of all of the stress and emotions I had two fever blisters that formed that night. We didn't know anything was wrong with the baby. I think that's another reason it was so hard. 

~The day after- Friday~

     On Friday the Dr's nurse called me and said that my hcg levels were going up (45,000) and that there should be a heartbeat. I falsely believed her and was so confused because she said there should have been but was not. I remember talking and crying with my husband, why would she say that if there was no heartbeat? I cried myself to sleep again that night with my husband holding me. I didn't understand how or why this could be happening. I didn`t have any physical. symptoms of having a miscarriage, except the big one, no heart beat.  
        I got a phone call from a florist and my precious students and their parents had got me the most beautiful flower arrangement. We also received some flowers at some point from Scott's aunt and uncle. 

~Monday~

     Monday morning I had to head back to the doctors office. They had to draw some more blood and run some more tests. It was scary and I hated having my blood drawn. We still didn't have answers. She then said that since the baby had died and everything was continuing to grow that caused great concern for her. She said the placenta and the uterus were the size of what what it should be but the baby had stopped growing. With everything continuing to grow at such a rapid pace she was worried if left alone it could turn cancerous. However, it is not, she was was just concerned about everything growing so she said I needed to choose an option. Our dr. gave us three choices, to have a D&C, take a pill or have it happen naturally. At this point four days had passed since the appointment.  Since nothing was happening naturally (which is what we wanted) and her concern about things growing continued we scheduled the D&C. and the soonest that she was going to be able to get me in was on Thursday. That was exactly one week after we were told that they found no heartbeat. It was the longest week of my life. On Wednesday Scott and I had to go to the hospital to prepare for the surgery the next day. They had to draw blood again, of course. That was the 3rd time that week! I had been to the dr. and hospital more during that time then I had in my whole life. 

~The night before and day of the D&C~ 

  
      I hardly slept the night before, i just rested. I coudn't sleep at all. I was so scared and sad that as of "today" I would no longer have my baby at all. I wanted so badly to be a mother. I had prayed and dreamed about this day for so long. Now, it would be gone. As I layed in bed, I was crying with my husband and I couldn't sleep. I finally moved to the couch at 3 so that I wouldn't keep my husband up. I had been up since 3, praying and crying. No matter how much I wanted to sleep I could not, my heart was just broken and I was scared about what was going to happen. I cried out to the Lord in those early hours of darkness. I was told I couldn't eat or drink anything after twelve. 

     The time approached when we needed to leave to go to the hospital and I had cried and didn't want to go. I asked my friends and church family to pray as we went. I had never had to go to the hospital before (well, I burned my hands one time) so it was even more scary. I signed in and the lady filled my arms with four bands. 

       As I waited nervously for them to call my name, I prayed. They finally called me and I had to go into a room. They handed me this gown-not the typical hospital gown-it was different. I was shaking so badly I could not put in on myself. I had to have Scott help me put it on. I was so emotional. They hooked me up to this hose thing that blew warm air on me. They said I was suppose to stay warm. A friend from work and her husband who is a pastor came and prayed with me. I was very overwhelmed as the Dr, the nurse, and the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me. I could barely answer them. As they came to get me I was so scared. I held back the tears as they wheeled me away, I didn't want Scott to leave me. I wanted him to go with me. I have never been in an operating room before, this was a first. As they drove me in, it was big, white and scary. I remember being so scared I could barely stand. My sweet dr. must have noticed that I was so terrified. As soon as they had me lay down on the operating table, my Dr. came over and held my hand. I will never forget that, it meant so much to me. They put a breathing mask on my face and the next thing I knew I was trying to wake up.I woke up in such great pain. I had some bad cramps as I woke up. I found out later that it took me a really long time to wake up after that. As I started to wake up they took me back to the recovery room and then I had some apple juice. On our way home, we stopped to get the medicine.

~Recovery~

       So, we left after the D&C (an entire week of waiting after finding no heartbeat). After returning home I was so tired and did not feel well. I had turned back on my phone and I had lots of text messages and f.b. messages. I was overwhelmed knowing people were praying for me.

       Our pastor's wife came by with dinner and let us know that she was praying for us. My husband wasn't sure what medicine I was suppose to take when. So, we asked and someone said take one at night and the other is for the day time. I had such intense cramps that I could barely stand up, it was not fun at all. This happened a few times, I had to yell for my husband. :( It was so sad, he would warm up my rice bag for me so maybe the cramps wouldn't be as bad. My dr said she thinks my uterus must have quickly shrunk back to its normal size which is why the cramps were so bad. 

~Thankful~

        We were very thankful for the meals our pastor`s wives sent as well as a school family. We were overwhelmed. The  school also gave a gift of money and free hot lunch for the rest of the year. What a blessing that was! 

      I am so thankful Scott wasn`t working and could be with me during that time. As a born again Christian I have hope! Hope that one day I will be able to see my baby in Heaven. I don't think this is something I will ever forget. 

      I wanted to make a special memory, a keepsake, something I could see physically. My husband and I decided to make a shadow box. Something to remember Baby Nutter by and the short time God allowed me to carry this precious baby. I don't understand why God allowed this to happen and I may never know why. As time goes on God is continuing to heal my broken heart. Yes, some days are full of triggers but God gives me the grace and strength to carry on.