Couples Without Children

Couples Without Children

              As Mother's Day is fast approaching, I've been praying about what to share on my blog. Today I'm going to share about the couple without children. We all know a couple that fits this category. 

             Scott and I recently had the opportunity to attend a marriage retreat. As we met many different couples there was one common question that was asked OVER and OVER again. That question was this: How many kids do y'all have? If we said none, they would ask, "Why not? Are y'all thinking about kids? or When are y'all going to have kids? or "How long have y'all been married?" I realize they were complete strangers and just trying to make conversation. After answering numerous times, no we don't have any children, I decided to share that we had 2 miscarriages to the next person that asked. Why? I want to bring awarenesses. There are many reasons why a couple might not have children. The camp director came and introduced himself to us and asked if we had any children. I said, "yes, we have 2 babies in Heaven." After sharing that, a lady next to me also shared that she too had suffered a miscarriage. If I wasn't brave enough to be real and honest with them, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to talk to her that weekend. She has been an encouragement and a blessing to me and I'm thankful we can still keep in touch. So, when you see that childless couple PLEASE consider before asking, that there may be a reason they don't have children. 

 There may be many reasons a couple doesn't have children....here are a few:
           ~Infertility-maybe they can't have children 
           ~Fertility-maybe they've tried and tried for years and are trying to figure out what's wrong
           ~Miscarriage-maybe they have suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage or more than one 
           ~Still born-maybe their sweet baby had passed and was born "sleeping"
            ~Infant loss-maybe they lost their little one to SIDS 
            ~Failed Adoption-maybe the adoption process wasn't able to be finalized 

            In the last week, I have been asked this exact question by people that know us. I know that they mean well and wouldn't want to hurt us, they just don't know.  My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and we've been asked this question probably hundreds of times. I'm not sure why we feel compelled to ask people if they have children or when they are going to have them. God is ultimately the giver of life, is He not? If God wants to give us children, then He will. I've been thinking about this and wondering why this question bothers me so much. I think because there is an implication in the question that we didn't try and that we didn't want any....none of which are true. God did give us 2 precious babies that ended in miscarriage.  If God chooses to give us another baby, of course we would be over the moon! 

          I know after suffering loss there are many different emotions that one can experience. By God's grace, He has given Scott and I complete peace and contentment. We are content with where we are right now in life. It didn't use to be that way. Scott and I were talking this afternoon and he shared how it used to make him very frustrated and annoyed that we lost our babies and that we didn't have any. We all grieve differently, and there are no two situations that are the same. I couldn't relate to him because I just felt sadness. We don't have any frustrations, bitterness, or jealousy when we see other babies, families, or expectant woman, Praise God for that! 

             Even though God has given us such peace and contentment that doesn't mean that we won't ever grieve the loss of our precious babies again. We grieved very deeply for the loss of our babies and many tears have been shed. Dates are very important to me. I can't speak for all that have loss, but the few friends that I have shared with, they also can relate. Even though our babies are with God now, I still want to take the time to remember. Why? It was a life that God gave to me! Even though I never got to physically hold my babies, I want to remember that God did create not 1 but 2 little people in me. This is something that Scott and I have chosen to do together. 

           Mother's Day is two weeks away. I've already started to pray for my heart. Why is Mother's Day hard for me personally? I think of our precious babies who would be 3 and almost 1. It's hard to think of missing someone you never met, but I do. I miss my babies and I won't be able to celebrate with them here.  Even though my celebration will be different than most, we will still celebrate and think of the 2 precious babies that God gave us. Scott is very supportive of our celebrations and I'm so thankful for that. Grief has no timeline and can come in waves sometimes. I have been praying and will also have my prayer warriors praying along side of me. I will also be praying for my sweet friends that will also be struggling on Mother's Day. I know friends in all of the categories that are listed below. I think God calls us to different places where no one can relate because He wants us to depend on Him alone and seek Him for comfort. We are that one and only couple at our church. I'm thankful that I do have people who can relate elsewhere. My hearts desire this Mother's Day is to reach out to all that I know that are hurting. I want them to know that they are loved and remembered. Ministry is people! 

          How can you help a friend that struggles with infertility, miscarriage, or infant loss? It's still something that's not talked about much. In fact, I've had friends that have confessed to me that they just don't know what to say, which is why they don't say anything. Just be present and let them know that they are not alone! I have a list of friends that I'm planning on sending things to and making sure they know I'm thinking of them and praying for them on that day. Why? Because they understand and they need to know that they are not alone. God tells us to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. What if you are the only one who remembers them? That would be huge! God allows us to go through things so that we can help others who also go through the same thing. So what can you do for them? 

           Most importantly- pray for them 

           -be there for them (Job's friends sat with him),

           -ask them about their baby

           -mention their baby by name

           -let them know they aren't alone 

           -send a text/email/letter/card

           -if you don't know what to say just be there-or send flowers, a gift, food...

           -pray with them 

        Start praying for that couple that came to your mind. Ask God what you can do to encourage them on Mother's Day. Please don't let your friends suffer in silence. We shouldn't have to come to you and say I'm struggling today on Mother's Day, that's a given! Be the one to make the first step and let them know you are there and that you care! Does your church do something special for the mother's during the service? If they do, this might be hard for your struggling friend. Maybe they can do something special for the ones who struggle with infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss and make them feel special and not forgotten. If your church doesn't, then see what YOU can do to help. I know it's not done on purpose, many people just aren't aware of the struggles your friends may have in this area on Mother's Day. Seek to be a blessing to your hurting friends on Mother's Day. 

                                  ~Written with Love by a Couple Without Children~