"I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."
"I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat."
Five years ago today, on February 5th,
I was told, "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat." Those four words are some of the hardest words to ever hear. If you've ever been told those words, I'm so sorry, my heart breaks with you. Maybe you were told that today, this very week, last month, last year, or even years before that. I want you to know that you are not alone and you are loved! Your baby was loved and wanted! It's okay to grieve and it's okay to remember special dates. It's okay to take time and thank God for the gift He gave you no matter the number of weeks or how long ago it was. It's okay to share with others. Your baby was created by God and it's worth celebrating over!
I was told those hard words. It's something I'll never forget. Here is part 1 of our 1st story:
This was our first pregnancy and we were so excited! I still remember when I first found out! I told Scott I just knew it but he wanted me to wait a bit before testing because he didn't want me to be disappointed. I don't remember how many days he made me wait, but it was worth it. I know you are suppose to wait a few minutes but I literally watched the stick develop that beautiful blue line! Wow, my dream and prayer had finally happened on that warm December day! God gave me the most wonderful gift, a precious little one to love! We calculated the dates and called the Dr to set up our 12 week appointment. I knew well before our Christmas break started, so I had 3 weeks to enjoy being home. Looking back now, that was a blessing. I had extra time to be with Scott.  |
I was a teacher and taught for 6 years and had never missed a day of school. So I found a substitute to take my place on February 5th. That felt like such a long time to wait! Every week when my students had their Library time, I updated my friend Kim (librarian) on what week I was. I had confided in her and it was something we shared weekly. I just had to tell someone! We did let a few very close friends know so they could be praying. One of my close friends there made shirt decals and she printed of "New Mommy" and "New Daddy" for us to iron on shirts. I got permission from the principal to wear this the Friday after the Dr. appointment. We also were going to reveal to our young married s.s. class at the party that was happening that night.
Scott was so excited to share with his family. We were going to try to wait until we had the ultrasound pictures and do something fun, but Scott couldn't wait! So we recorded a Skype call with his family. We told them that we had a present for them and it was going to be a HE or a SHE and held up the coordinating Hershey bar that we colored in. They were very excited and this video is so very special to Scott.
February 5th had finally came and I couldn't be more happier! This is the day I had dreamed of and we couldn't wait to hear the Baby's heartbeat. Scott and I actually did talk about miscarriage as well, just to be prepared. We didn't have any symptoms of a miscarriage, just wanted to be aware. I don't like having my blood drawn, so I was so incredibly thankful that Scott was with me and that I didn't have to be alone. I still remember laying there anxiously awaiting to hear a heartbeat. Sadly, the only heartbeat we were able to hear that day was mine. I was reassured that this happens often but she kept searching and still didn't find it. I just held my hubby's hand as our amazing doctor talked with us. To be honest, I really wasn't listening that well. My mind was stuck on the fact that they were unable to find a heartbeat. They did 2 more ultrasounds that day and I didn't know what to say or what to think. I was there for 5 1/2 hours, that was one of the longest and hardest days of my life. I think the hardest part was not knowing anything was wrong.
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| Flowers my students sent me |
Here is a memory I've saved from that sad day:
"My heart is breaking tonight. Scott and I had been looking forward to today for quite some time. Today marked 12 weeks, we were beyond excited to share with the world. We went to our Dr appointment anticipating to hear Baby Nutter's heartbeat. However, God had different plans. Instead, we were there for 5 hours undergoing tests, blood work, and 2 different ultrasounds. The Dr is suppose to call me tomorrow with more information. "
The Dr. did call the next day and said that levels were going up and there should be a heartbeat but wasn't. This is where I should have kept my wall up, but I believed the false hope that maybe there was still a chance, that made it even harder. I'm thankful for my loving husband who held me while we cried and took the best care of me. God truly blessed us with the sweetest Dr. An entire week had passed and I still had no symptoms of being able to "pass" the baby on my own. God knew all of this was going to happen and Scott actually didn't have a job at the time which was hard. It was all apart of God's plan having Scott be home with me. Join me on February 12th to read part 2. February 12th is the next special date for Baby Nutter.
Thank you for taking time to read my story. Go love someone today who is struggling with hearing those words.
2 Corinthians 12:9
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Psalm 24:18
The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
Psalm 30:5b
"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."
Revelation 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
Isaiah 43:2
"When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."
Romans 8:35-39
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
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